RhymePhile's Rat Race

Mom was telling me yesterday about this great movie she was watching on DVD, Vantage Point, starring Dennis Quaid, Matthew Fox, Sigourney Weaver et al in a film in which the characters witness the president's assassination and tell their stories from different points of view.

Dad has now become the master of Closed Captioning ever since I suggested he use it. With the sound mixes on certain films these days it's often too hard to hear dialogue without a good sound system. With this film, however, mom told me she couldn't turn on the CC because it was "re-mastered."

I didn't understand; "re-mastered" generally means better sound, like an older film updated to 5.1 Dolby or something.

She was explaining how irritated they both were over the film, and wondered why the copy their neighbor gave them was so crappy with no CC and dialogue they could hardly hear.

So mom went to Blockbuster to rent it. They didn't have it. Weren't they supposed to have everything? Why didn't they have it? This is annoying! All of which mom ranted on about.

Turns out Vantage Point won't be on DVD until July. It seems her neighbor gave her a burned copy from either a torrent or download from the Internet, and that's what mom meant by "re-mastered." A copied disc. But she didn't know the source was a bad download.

Mom wondered how people could get the films so early, and onto DVD?

It's the magic of the Internet, I explained. She nodded sagely, one step closer to understanding the mysteries I take for granted on a daily basis. She uses e-mail like a pro now, she can save and copy photos, and she recently set up Logitech speakers all by herself. She's not all that net-savvy, as I still have to remind her about phishing and spam.

But she's getting there.

Lip Smacky McLipSmack, a woman who is two cubes away and IS THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE PLANET (aside from a guy I used to work with who grinded his effin' TEETH all day) and who also CANNOT CLOSE HER MOUTH WHEN SHE CHEWS is chewing gum. I can't listen to my music any louder lest my brain ooze from my ears. I CAN'T DROWN IT OUT.

ALL DAY LONG IT IS CHEWING. CHHHEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWING. At breakfast it is crunching crunching crunching of celery and cottage cheese and lunch is slurping and chewing and talking on the phone with that cringe-inducing laugh of hers and OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.