It's almost 2 a.m. and I'm still up. I got into
Supernatural mode -- y'know, you start watching old episodes, and you're like, "Ooh, I'll just watch that one where..." and suddenly you realize you've been sitting in front of the TV for five hours.
I watched Season 1's "Salvation" and then "Devil's Trap" and the gag reel, and then it was on to "In My Time of Dying" and after that "All Hell Breaks Loose" parts I and II (watching Jensen's monologue at the beginning of Part II a few times because I still find it one of the best scenes *ever*) and then I watched the Season 2 extras because I never realized I had to
highlight the stupid arrow to get to the next menu screen. So then I watched the gag reel and Jared's screen test (so young and earnest!) and the making of "All Hell Breaks Loose II" and I've just now noticed the freaking time. Good Lord.
Man, I love this show. I am going to have an empty place in my heart when it ends, honestly. That sounds so maudlin and trite to say, but I haven't loved a show this much since
X-Files, and their last two seasons were terrible that I couldn't give a shit and that hurt.
When this one ends I know I'm going to cry my damn eyes out, not just for the loss of the characters and the brotherhood and the family and the love (and the universe and the mythology and every other thing I enjoy), but because it's been a long time since I've felt the pull of writing for a fandom again. I miss that feeling, where you can hear the characters speak to you when you're not even listening; when your mind wanders to situations and "What If's" when you're doing ordinary things; when you carry a pen and paper with you at all times, just in case.
Yeah, yeah, it's just a TV show. But you know what? I'll fully admit to needing to immerse myself in fictional universes and characters. I've always been a geek, and if I can't believe that maybe there are demons and angels out there, or Hobbits, or vampires with souls, or guys traveling around in phone boxes, or rifts in time and space in Cardiff, or secretaries of education that can become president, or teenage girls who are Slayers, or bald French starship captains, or that if you squint hard enough you can actually see the air around you flutter with the Force or the Quickening, I lose something elemental to my happiness.
Feel free to judge me. I have never been connected to the world around me through reality. My weirdness is pretty damn evident because I cling to the idea that there is more to this life than simply "reality," and that helps me cope.
"All good things..." as they say. I suppose I'll always have the DVDs.